Jennifer Nacif-激励孩子们的秘诀
来源：金玉米 编辑：admin
时间：2022-07-20
激励孩子们的秘诀 （The Secret to Motivating Your Child）
演讲：Jennifer Nacif
Jennifer Nacif讲解了如何在与孩子们沟通时，将控制转换为激励。她在演讲中扮演了四个性格各不相同的孩子，展示了不同性格需求父母不同的反应。在生活中，不仅孩子们与性格需求相关，所遇到的人都有性格需求。还介绍了简单可行的方式以激励我们周围的人们。
英文讲稿：
英文讲稿：
I'm so excited!
我真是太激动了。
(Laughter)
（观众笑声）
Well, I'm excited not only to be in TEDx San Diego,
我这么激动不仅是因为我来到了 TEDxSan Diego，
but to touch on my favorite subject:
也更是因为可以谈及我最喜欢的话题：
the secret to motivating your children.
激励孩子们的秘诀。
I mean we try to motivate, we do [our] best,
我们都在尽力尝试去激励孩子们，
but generally what do we do?
但我们通常都如何做呢？
We use fear: "Ah, if you don't do this, mmm, big punishment."
我们利用恐惧： “如果你不这么做，就要受到惩罚。”
Or we bribe them: "OK, if you do this, you'll get this prize, or this payment."
或者利用诱惑： “如果你这么做，你将得到奖励或报酬。”
And, well it works, on the short term.
这办法确实管用，但时效不长。
But there are ramifications, consequences that we're not aware of in the long run,
从长远来看，如果我们用这样的行为来教育孩子的话
when we educate in this manner.
这会造成种种我们意识不到的后果。
So, today I want to ask you a question:
所以，今天我想问大家一个问题。
How many of you would love to have a better relationship with your children?
有多少人希望和你的孩子有更好的关系？
Raise your hands.
希望的举手。
Everyone, of course!
果然大家都举手了。
Now, a harder question:
再来个难一点的问题。
How many of you believe you know, exactly, how to motivate your children?
多少人觉得自己具体知道如何激励自己的孩子？
Don't worry, don't feel bad, I don't see any hands.
别担心，不用觉得这事儿不好。 我看不到人举手啊。
Don't take it personally.
我不是针对谁。
My studies - I've been studying this for more than 20 years -
我的这项研究已经进行二十年以上了，
are that less than 2% of parents have the exact answer to this question.
只有不到2%的家长具体知道这个答案。
The good news is:
好消息是，
all of you, by the end of this talk, are going to know, exactly, in one word,
在场所有人在我的演讲结束后， 都将知道这一词秘诀，
how to motivate your children.
具体如何激励你的孩子们。
So, let me start by telling you a real story.
我先给大家讲个真实的故事。
I live in Mexico City and we were at a party,
我住在墨西哥城， 曾在那边参加了一个聚会，
it was a girl's 10th birthday;
是一个小姑娘的十岁生日会。
my friend has four daughters and they were behaving, not [badly],
我朋友有四个孩子， 而当时这四个孩子的表现不可以说差，
no, [terribly]!
而是要说太差！
(Laughter)
（观众笑声）
It came to a point that my friend was very tired and went to the four girls:
终于我朋友受够了， 她找到这四个小姑娘，说道：
"The four of you come here, either you behave well or we're going to leave."
“你们四个过来，你们四个要么好好表现， 要么现在就回家。”
Oh, and let me mention, in Mexico the best part of a party is the piñata,
让我插一句，在墨西哥的聚会上， 重头戏是皮纳塔。
the famous piñata. (a figure filled with goodies).
这就是著名的皮纳塔。 （一种装满吸引人小玩意的容器）
No kid wants to leave before the piñata.
没有孩子想在见到皮纳塔前离开。
So the first daughter stares at her mom and says:
于是，第一个女儿盯着她妈妈，说道：
"Mom you're right. I've been telling my sisters to behave,
“妈妈你说得没错， 我一直跟姐妹们说要注意自己的行为，
but they don't pay attention, what can I do?"
但是她们都不听，我又能怎样？”
So the mom goes: "Good job, I'm doing well."
于是妈妈心想：“我做的还不错。”
The second daughter looks at the mom
第二个女儿也看着妈妈，
(She sobs)
（她开始哭）
"I'm so sorry mom,
“妈妈对不起，
I hate disappointing you,
我讨厌让你失望，
but see, if I don't do what my sisters say then they think I'm a goody goody,
但是，如果我不按照姐妹们说的做， 他们会认为我是个乖乖仔，
and I always follow you, and then they don't like me."
我总是听你的话，她们不喜欢我这样。”
"But I didn't want you to not like me either."
“可我也不想让你不喜欢。”
(Sobs)
（她接着哭）
(Laughter)
（观众大笑）
Total depression. She goes to a corner, depressed.
非常郁闷，她走到房间角落，继续郁闷。
She needs therapy, probably, after that.
在这之后，她可能需要心理医生。
The third daughter stares at her mom:
第三个女儿对她妈妈说：
"My mom, beautiful, wonderful 'preciosa mamita'.
“哦我美丽、美妙的‘漂亮姑娘’（西班牙语）！
(Laughter)
（笑声）
"You keep enjoying what you're doing, of course I'm going to behave."
“你继续享受这个聚会吧， 我接下来一定好好表现。”
"I'm having a wonderful time."
“我很享受这个聚会。”
She waits five minutes and guess what she does?
安安静静五分钟后，你们猜怎么着？
She goes back to doing what she [was doing].
这姑娘又变回了老样子。
And then, the last daughter stares at her mom and she says:
最后那个女儿瞪着她妈妈说道：
"Oh really? Then we leave right now!"
“你认真的？行啊那咱这就走！”
(Laughter)
（笑声）
What happened?
为什么会这样？
Same household, same education, [they were raised in the same place].
同样的家庭环境，同样的教育背景， （她们一起长大）
Why did they react so differently?
为什么她们的反应各不相同？
You might all say, "Obvious, they're different."
你可能会说：“多明显，因为他们是不同的个体。”
So if it is so obvious, why do we so often give one instruction
如果真的有这么明显， 那为什么我们经常给不同的人…
to different people expecting the same outcome?
…同一个建议，然后期待他们有不同反应？
That's what we're going to talk about today.
这就是我们今天将要讲的内容。
So, what I did is that, all the way from Mexico city, I brought the four girls.
我从墨西哥城把这四个姑娘都带来了。
(Laughter)
（笑声）
And they are going to tell you a bit [about] themselves,
待会儿她们会跟你们聊聊自己，
and the most important part: what motivates each one of them
以及最重要的一点： 促使她们行为的动机是什么。
in several words and in one word.
几个词或一个词总结。
So let me introduce you to the first daughter.
先让我向大家介绍第一个女儿。
Oh, these are mine by the way.
啊屏幕上这些是我闺女。
(Laughter)
（笑声）
Let me introduce you to the first daughter.
让我来给你们介绍下第一个女儿。
Her name is Donna because she's so dominant.
她的名字叫唐娜， 取自英文单词支配者。
"Hi, I'm a controlling child, yes I am. I know it and I don't care.
“嗨，我是一个控制狂， 我知道你们怎么想，但我无所谓。”
I like things done, not fast, super fast.
“我喜欢事情解决不只是快， 要非常快。”
I'm very independent, I like things fast, direct, I have a lot of willpower.
“我非常独立，我喜欢事情解决得又快又直接， 我的意志力极强。”
I mean, since I was a baby, you know, if I was going maybe 4 hours drive,
“从我还是个婴儿开始，就如此。 如果要坐四个小时的车，”
I didn't like the car seat, so I would cry.
“而我又不喜欢这车座，我就会哭。”
And I wouldn't stop crying, 'til the 4 hours were over.
“而且我一哭 就可以哭上四个小时不带停的。”
I mean, I get what I want. I don't ask for it, I demand it.
“我总要得到我想要的， 我不是请求，而是命令。”
I mean, that's how life should be, no?
“生活就是这样的不是吗？ 你说不是？”
Let's get what we want, let's insist on it.
“我要得到我想要的，我会坚持。”
I'm adventurous, I'm powerful. So, what do you think motivates me?
“我敢作敢为，我很强大， 所以你们觉得什么是我的行为的动力？”
OK, challenges? I love being right.
“挑战？我喜欢永远正确的感觉。”
I know they say that it's more important to be happy.
“我知道人们常说快乐最重要。”
I don't know who says that.
“我不知道这话谁说的。”
I mean come on!
“但是我想说，别闹了。”
Being right is super more important than being happy.
“做对了比做得开心要重要多了！”
Winning and control, very important.
“胜利与控制，这两点都很重要。”
But if you can only remember one word, remember this: I need power.
“如果你只能记住一个词，那记着这句： 我要权力。”
I like to feel powerful.
“我喜欢强大的感觉。”
So the next time you're communicating with me,
“所以下次你和我谈话的时候，
if you [take] away my power, you bring [out] the worst in me.
如果你把我的权力夺走， 我心中最糟糕的一面就会显现。”
"So If I'm at a party and my mom [says],
“因此如果我妈在一个聚会上这样跟我说：
'if you behave [badly], I'm going to take you [away].
‘如果你表现太差，我就带你走。’
Oh really? We'll see, we'll see who wins."
呦你认真的？我倒要看看，我们谁赢。”
So, the question here is: what should the mother have said?
问题来了：这位妈妈应该说什么？
Well, the answer,
答案是，
before creating things, is ask yourselves: what motivates my D daughter? Power.
在说话之前先问问你自己， 是什么在鼓舞我的女儿唐娜？权力。
So, why don't I tell Donna: "Hey Donna, I need to ask for a favour.
所以我为什么不这么问问唐娜呢？ “唐娜，我想拜托你帮个忙。”
See, your sisters follow you. I wish they would follow me more,
“你看，你的姐妹们总是听你的。 我希望她能更听我的话，
and I need your help.
所以我需要你的帮助。”
I know I'm asking a lot because you're just 10 years old.
“我知道我要你做的这些太难， 毕竟你只有十岁。”
And what I'm asking you to do, well, generally, we ask adults.
“我希望你做的这些事， 通常都是希望成年人能做到的。”
So I hope you can do this.
“我希望你也能做到这些。”
Can you help me set an example for your sisters?
“你能帮我在你的姐妹面前 树立一个榜样吗？”
Can you do that?"
“你能做到吗？”
What? D is going to resist that?
什么？唐娜会拒绝？
I mean that's gold to my ears.
这简直就是我梦寐以求好吧。
So we get the first good outcome.
于是，我们成功拿下了第一个。
And now I want to introduce you to Sally.
接下来我要给大家介绍莎莉。
Before introducing you to Sally, this is my D daughter.
在介绍莎莉之前，让大家看看我的‘唐娜’。
So this is how I've become an expert on the subject.
这就是为什么我能在这方面成为专家。
(Laughter)
（笑声）
"Hello, I am Sally the social [girl].
“大家好，我是莎莉，是社交派。”
I'm a happy kid, I love fun, I love doing happy things,
“我非常开心，我喜欢有趣的东西， 喜欢做让人开心的事儿。”
and connecting with people, talking to people, knowing people.
“我喜欢和人沟通，说话和了解他们。”
Is there anything else in life than knowing a lot of friends,
“生活不就是为了认识一群人，
and having a lot of friends?
再拥有一群朋友吗？”
So to me, helping others and having a great old time is wonderful.
“所以对我而言，帮助别人，一起享受美好时光最为美好。”
[At] the party you must ask yourselves what motivates us?
“你可能会问，在一个聚会上， 我们这样的人会有动力做什么呢？
OK, so [as] social people, we need [to connect] with people,
“对于社交派，我们需要和别人互动。”
[to make] friends, [to help] others.
“要交朋友，要帮助他人。”
Our keywords are: connection and fun.
“我们的关键词是：沟通与乐趣。”
My mother could have just come and said,
我妈妈可以过来跟我说，
how about if she would have said:
她可以这样说：
'Hey look at all those trees, don't they make amazing hiding places?
‘看看这些树，你不觉得那里很适合捉迷藏吗？
Why don't you organize a great hide and seek game?'
你可以组织一场很有趣的捉迷藏游戏。’
You think I'm going to resist that?
你觉得我会拒绝吗？
You think I'm going to want to go back to do what I was doing,
你觉得我还会想回去做我之前做的吗？
when I can do a hide and seek game?
当我可以玩捉迷藏的时候？
See how it flows, how naturally it comes,
看到了吧，它自然而然就来了，
when we are motivated to do what we were born to do?
什么时候我们会感受到动力？ 我们生来为何？
So that's our social [girl].
这就是我们的社交派。
And let me introduce you to Vivi, my social sister.
我向大家介绍下薇薇， 我的社交派妹妹。
She has given me the experience to deal with social people.
是她让我有了与社交型人群打交道的经验。
If you're hearing a laugh, it's my mom.
如果你听见有人在笑，那一定是我妈。
(Laughter)
（笑声）
Third, I want to introduce you to Patty.
第三个了，我想向大家介绍帕蒂。
Good afternoon.
“下午好。”
(Laughter)
（笑声）
"My name is Patty. I love helping, stability, my family.
“我的名字叫帕蒂，我很喜欢帮助别人， 也喜欢安定和我的家人。
I love being close to my family. I miss [them] when I'm away.
我特别喜欢和我的家人们在一起， 如果我出远门，我一定特想他们。
I don't like pressure, I hate confrontation.
我不喜欢压力，更讨厌竞争。
I really stress out with that.
一竞争我就特别紧张。
I like for people to get along, to love each other, to share, to care.
我喜欢人们一起相伴， 互相敬爱、分享、关心。
What motivates me the most?
我的最大动力是什么？
Harmony, safety, kindness, acceptance, helping others.
和谐、安全、和善、赞同和帮助他人。
A key word for me: safety.
我的关键词：安全。
If I feel safe, I'll go to the [end] of the world,
如果我觉得安全，我可以这样到天荒地老。
But If I feel threatened, well, I don't do much at all.
但如果我觉得受到威胁了， 我什么也不做。
I can freeze even.
我甚至可能会僵掉。
So, what should have my mom said to me?
所以，我妈妈应该跟我说些什么呢？
She could've approached me and in a very loving and caring way said:
她可以靠近我， 然后用充满爱意和关心的语调跟我说：
'Patty, I know you want to please your sisters, I understand.
“帕蒂，我知道你想让你的姐妹们高兴，我懂。”
And I know you feel bad because you want to please me,
“我也知道你不愿意惹妈妈不高兴。”
but remember, life is not about pleasing others.
“但你要记住，生活不是取悦他人。”
I know deep down in your heart you know what's right.
“我相信你心底清楚这样做不对。”
Trust your heart, not people outside of you, but yourself.
“相信你自己的心， 而不是盲从于除你以外的其他人。”
No matter what happens, I'm always here and I love you.'
“不管发生什么， 我永远在这里也永远爱你。”
(She takes a deep breath) That felt so good.
（她深呼了一口气） “这个感觉太好了。”
So let's remember, if you have kids like me,
“记住，如果你的孩子和我一样，
always through patience, love, and understanding.
一定要保持耐心、爱意与理解。”
No pressure please. We don't do well. Thank you."
“千万别施压，我们会更糟。谢谢。”
And, this is my beautiful Valentina. She's my Patty daughter who has taught me
这个是我美丽的瓦伦蒂娜， 她就是我的帕蒂型女儿。
[about] the kindness and wonderful human heart of that style of personality.
她让我认识到这类人所具有的和善 与美好的心灵。
Last but not least:
最后一个：
"Hi, My name is Anna. I am a very responsible child
“嗨，我的名字叫安娜， 我是一个非常可靠的孩子。”
[ever] since I was born, I do what I am suppose to;
“自从我出生起， 我就知道自己应该做什么。”
I follow rules, that's why they exist, I wish everyone would.
“我听从规矩，毕竟规矩就是让人遵守的， 我真希望所有人都遵守。”
I'm very ordered, I organize my things wonderfully well.
“我非常有条理性， 我可以把自己的东西安排妥当。”
So, I'm a very good child. I have good grades.
“所以我是个好孩子，成绩一直不错。”
Hey, so, you could almost say we're the perfect children.
“你甚至可以说我是个完美的孩子。”
The problem is we need to lighten up sometimes
“问题是，有时我们也需要减负。”
because we take so much responsibility and so much so [seriously],
“因为我们肩上的责任太重，太多。”
that we always have stomach problems.
“我们总会有胃病。”
When we grow up, if you know people like me, we have gastroenteritis
“当我们长大，如果你认识我这样的人， 会发现我们有肠胃炎。”
and a lot of other stomach things.
“以及一堆其它肠胃疾病。”
(Laughter)
（笑声）
We are just way too apprehensive.
“我们就是太善解人意了。”
So what motivates us: order, structure, mental challenges.
“所以我们的动力是： 秩序、结构和智力挑战。”
Key word: clarity.
“关键词是清晰。”
Step by step, specific instructions and you will get the best of us.
“一步步地，详细的指导， 你会发现我们的优点。”
And from the daughters, Anna was the one who reacted in the best way
“在所以姑娘们中， 安娜是表现最好的那个。”
because she said, "I know mom."
因为她会说：“我知道的，妈妈。”
So we could give her instructions [on]
所以我们可以给她一些指示。
how she could help her [sisters] do better things.
指示她如果去帮助她的姐妹们做得更好。
So, in conclusion... Oh, and let me introduce [you to] Vane,
总结一下，让我先介绍下薇恩。
my analytical sister who, when I grew up,
我井井有条的姐妹，
[helped me understand] the importance of cleanliness,
在我成长时，是她让我明白干净的重要性。
that's next to heavenliness right?
简直就是在天堂旁边对吧？
(Laughter)
（笑声）
So, just to conclude,
现在总结一下。
I hope that you remember, when you talk to your children, what motivates them.
我希望大家在和自己的孩子谈话时， 记住什么能激励他们
Is it power? Is it connection and fun?
是权力吗？还是沟通与乐趣？
Is it safety? Is it clarity?
是安全？还是清晰？
Be it what it may be, I invite you to create a chain reaction
不管它是什么，我邀请你一起来创造一连串的变化
for all parents to change manipulation to motivation.
让所有的父母从操纵变为鼓励。
Thank you.
谢谢。
(Applause)
（掌声）
很棒的演讲，推荐给大家。当我们想要命令孩子的时候，不妨换成激励，激发孩子的内在驱动，让孩子变被动为主动。Jennifer Nacif 是位在教育领域研究数十年的学者，她讲解与孩子们沟通时，将控制转换为激励。
演讲非常精彩的部分，是她扮演了四个性格各不相同的孩子，她以这种聪明的方式，向我们展示了不同性格需求父母不同的对应。